How Do You Dialogue With a Bully?

“Before we talk about polarization, we need to talk about repentance” reads a recent headline in the National Catholic Reporter. Guest columnist and digital editor of U.S. Catholic magazine Rebecca Bratten Weiss observes that while “Everyone in Christian media seems to be talking about polarization these days,” the conversation rarely acknowledges the imbalance of power between polarized groups such as LGBTQ+ Catholics and those who demonize them.

Weiss’ thoughts offer some timely insights into synod reflectionss, since one of the goals of the synod is to decrease polarization in the church.

In her insightful commentary, Weiss points out the shortsightedness of those who simply prescribe mutual dialogue as a cure for polarization.  “These are not ‘both sides’ issues,”  she says. “It is more like a schoolyard situation where a bully has been menacing other kids, until someone finally decides to take a stand. To outsiders, it might look like two troublemakers, equally at fault in disrupting the peace. But the kids who were bullied know that the thing that looked like peace was actually terror.”

Indeed, for LGBTQ Catholics and other minorities in the church, while this era of “polarization” is uncomfortable, it is certainly no worse than the preceding centuries of blanket homophobia, transphobia, and queer invisibility. “Queer Catholics have been forced to hide their identities or experience harassment and rejection,” Weiss acknowledges. 

She comments that “Much of the polarization we are currently experiencing…is the result of ongoing, deep-rooted injustices inflicted on marginalized groups by those who have reshaped the Gospel of Jesus and attempted to use it as a tool of oppression.” To extend Weiss’s schoolyard metaphor, the bullies used the threat of Church authority to further menace their victims. This is like a bully threatening to call the teacher to get the targeted child in more trouble.

Much of today’s polarization occurs when those bullied children simply stand up for themselves, refusing to be cowed by threats. Weiss characterizes church polarization as stemming from “When religious authority has been used to abuse, marginalize, enslave and oppress others, and when those others finally say, ‘This is not the Gospel Jesus taught.’”

Conflict within the church points to underlying injustices. Weiss writes that “Catholics may view division itself as a wound in the body of Christ, without understanding that the division is simply a symptom of an even more serious malady.” 

Weiss’s prescription for curing the ills of polarization recommends addressing the root causes. Polarization “cannot be addressed if we continue to regard division as the primary flaw, in and of itself, rather than a symptom of a deeper and more serious evil.” Too often, the suggested solutions for polarization require people to find common ground by “step[ping]  into unsafe positions where they are vulnerable to further harm.”

Instead, Weiss calls for a focus on “leading those who have done harm to acknowledge and repent of the injustice they have inflicted, and on constructive ways to make reparation.” She commends New Ways Ministry among “examples of how to foster dialogue without ignoring the reality of injustice.”

This solution places much of the responsibility for mending polarization at the feet of those who have been complicit in harm. What role does this leave for those who have felt marginalized in the church? How can we actively work toward reconciliation? Perhaps Weiss’s schoolyard analogy suggests an answer: we can insistently remind bullies of our humanity; we can band together to support one another; and we can appeal to the higher authority for justice through our prayers.

Reconciliation within the body of Christ is a laudable goal; as Weiss wisely points out, the path toward true reconciliation leads through repentance and restorative justice. “Otherwise,” she concludes, “we’re just asking the wounded to ignore their own wounds, and fostering the kind of neutrality that serves the oppressor.”

—Ariell Watson Simon (she/her), New Ways Ministry, October 11, 2023