Queer Woman Finds God “Outside the Walls” of the Catholic Church After Exclusion

In an essay for U.S. Catholic, a queer woman recounts her decision to leave the Catholic Church in order to be true to her sexual identity. Although her decision was difficult, even devastating, she says she eventually found God in an unlikely location: “outside the walls of the church.”

Abi Hoyt grew up, in her words, as a “devout cradle Catholic.” She was accustomed to attending Mass every Sunday, receiving the sacraments, and praying the rosary. Yet internally, Hoyt was trying to balance being a “good card-carrying Catholic” with being gay. At one point, that balance became impossible for her:

“It wasn’t until I came out as gay that I got the push I needed. Realizing I couldn’t live an authentic life inside the church as a member of the LGBTQ community, I left the church. Leaving the church felt like both a death and a birth. On one hand, I felt like a part of me had died, while on the other hand, I felt like I could breathe for the first time. I was also terrified, as everything that I had taken for fact was now in question; I had lost the shared identity I had enjoyed with friends and family. I was without a home.”

While extremely difficult, leaving the church allowed Hoyt to view Catholicism in a new light. Specifically, she began to read scriptures that portrayed Jesus as someone who “tore down social boundaries and constructs, was intimately involved in the liberation of the marginalized and oppressed, and always put the person before the law.” Compared to what she previously learned about Jesus, this Jesus was completely new to Hoyt:

“I didn’t instantly recognize this figure as Jesus due to having become accustomed to the images of Christ filtered down to me by the church. I was baffled. How could the church claim to be the mouthpiece of God when the God of the church seems drastically different from the God of scripture? It seemed impossible to reconcile these two Gods. It wasn’t until I wrestled with God as Jacob did that I fully embraced the historical Jesus.”

Hoyt likens her experience to the biblical story of the Jewish patriarch Jacob. In the book of Genesis, Jacob wrestles God for a blessing. Eventually, God blesses Jacob, renames him Israel, and states “you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed” (Genesis 32:24-31). Yet even with God’s blessing, Jacob is left wounded from the wrestling match. Similar to Jacob, Hoyt feels residual pain from the damage of faith:

“My encounter did indeed leave me with scars. It led to loneliness, having to live in the uneasy state of the unknown, and losing the shared identity I had once enjoyed with family and friends. However, I wear these scars with pride, as they are a sign of the sacred journey I’ve been through and a badge of solidarity with everyone who has walked through Peniel [the name of the site where Jacob wrestled], questioned their faith, and encountered the revolution that is the historical Jesus.”

Even with these scars, Hoyt hopes that the Catholic Church will one day become a safe and inclusive place for LGBTQ+ individuals. In her opinion, the first step in creating change is to open the door to conversation “with an open, respectful, curious heart and with a willingness to walk in others’ shoes.” She continues:

“I find it helpful to look at Jesus’ own actions with people he didn’t see eye to eye with. One common theme we see throughout scripture is that Jesus held space for discourse with those he disagreed with and talked with them directly. Unfortunately, too many Christians don’t take Jesus’ cue and instead make assumptions regarding LGBTQ Catholics. This leads to LGBTQ Catholics being falsely mislabeled as indifferent, morally lazy, rebellious, or lacking an in-depth knowledge of church teachings, though often none of these accusations are at all true.”

Hoyt concludes by asking: “Why then, was it not until I was outside the walls of the church that I encountered God?”

This question is one that we should all be asking ourselves. Too many LGBTQ+ Catholics are forced away from the church due to systemic harm and discrimination. All individuals, not just those who fit the heterosexual, cisgender archetype, should have the opportunity to find God within the church. To accomplish this goal, Catholics must commit to increased dialogue, collaboration, and openness within all religious spaces. The hope is that one day no LGBTQ+ individual will be forced to choose between religion and sexual identity.

—Sarah Cassidy (she/her), New Ways Ministry, June 15, 2023