Catholic Dating Cultures Needs to Better Include LGBTQ+ People, Writes Journalist

Queer dating in a cis- and heteronormative society comes with a bunch of cultural and social difficulties. Queer dating in the Catholic world often means additional obstacles for marginalized people seeking love.

For an article in U.S. Catholic, Debra Miszak observes that Catholic dating culture is specifically tailored towards “young, heterosexual couples who marry and raise children.” People outside these identities, including LGBTQ+ folks, often have trouble “finding love and connection with those who share their faith.” While many dioceses host events for Catholic singles, such as speed-dating, social groups, or dating retreats, LGBTQ+ Catholics are rarely included in these efforts, which continues to perpetuate exclusion and marginalization.

Robert Harris, a queer, Black Catholic man, came to terms with his sexuality at the age of 14, around the same time that he chose to become Catholic. Harris has been in three relationships, yet none of them have been able to integrate his faith as part of the connection” Although his diocese does host Catholic singles events, it has never been an option for Harris due to his sexual orientation. The lack of dating opportunities within the Catholic sphere has led Harris to be skeptical of “finding a like-minded partner.”

Kenn Dowling has also experienced the difficulties of queer Catholic dating. Growing up, Dowling turned to “fundamentalist” Catholic websites, which he now recognizes ultimately made him a “really homophobic Catholic,” since he used his faith to repress his sexuality. Dowling began dating men during his teenage years, but he often felt “confused and ashamed.” The lack of Catholic support often led Dowling to question his decisions and his relationships with others.

When Dowling realized that he “couldn’t believe in a God that would ask me to be celibate my whole life,” he “finally admitted that the church was wrong. . .”

Since then, Dowling has struggled to find people who understand both his sexuality and spirituality. For some men that he has dated, Catholicism has been a “red flag,” especially since Dowling finds it difficult to discuss spirituality with the men he has dated. Dowling notes that he has often felt discriminated against in both secular and religious spheres. He states:

“’In Washington, D.C. and San Francisco, I was active in queer Christian spaces, and I was isolated by secular gay men. Then I moved to Chicago, and I’ve just completely not interacted in queer Catholic spaces. I feel like I’ve been more accepted by other gay men because I’ve been less openly religious.’”

For Harris, Catholic teachings have informed his dating life in a different way.  He now believes that any of his relationships with men must be celibate. In addition, Harris would not feel comfortable bringing a same-sex partner to church with him, since many in his parish have the mindset that “anything queer-related is bad.” This has led Harris to conceal his sexual orientation within this space.

As for the future, Harris does not see marriage to a man as an option. However, he is open to dating a woman, if he is able to find someone that he is interested in pursuing. He explains:

“‘I’m not sure if I want to find a woman and get married. . .I’m not sure if I want children, but I’m not against it. It’s just if I do have something with someone, I want it to be something that’s in line with my values.'”

The U.S. Catholic article also observes that LGBTQ+ Catholics are not the only group that experiences difficulty within Catholic dating life. Those who are divorced or disabled are also on the margins of dating culture due to the limited opportunities for connection and relationships. When asked how the church can better support marginalized groups with dating, Harris answered the church must work to accompany people on their journey, rather than judge those who do not fit into traditional identities.

All individuals, including LGBTQ+ Catholics, should have the opportunity to find love and connection. By listening to LGBTQ+ voices, working to increase pastoral accompaniment, and making deliberate efforts to be inclusive, the church can be a “source of solace and strength” for the marginalized, rather than an additional barrier to love.

—Sarah Cassidy (she/her), New Ways Ministry, September 27, 2023