‘I Am Alive as I Can Be’: Father Mychal Judge, the Saint of 9/11

The anniversary of 9/11 always brings up such tough emotions from me. In 2001, when I first saw the images of black smoke billowing out of the World Trade Center, I immediately turned my eyes from it.  In the following days, I had to get all my news about the attack from radio because I couldn’t bear to look at the images of death, destruction, and terror that were being shown.

Twenty-five years later, I still can’t bear to look at images from that day, and, unfortunately, that is what has been shown on all sorts of media this week, as they have been on every anniversary.

Father Mychal Judge, OFM

Since 2019, my attitude toward this day has changed quite a bit (though I still can’t look at images of it).  That was the year that Liturgical Press, a major Catholic publishing company, invited me to write a biography on Father Mychal Judge, OFM, the New York City Fire Department chaplain, who died that at at the Twin Towers as he ministered to first responders and the people fleeing the building.  Another fact about Fr. Judge was that he was gay, a fact that became more widely known after his death, and which stirred some controversy from Catholics and others who could not wrap their minds around the fact that such a sainted person could also be gay.

My initial response to the publisher was to turn them down.  I offered two reasons: 1) I did not know Fr. Judge, never even met him; and 2) because of my work at New Ways Ministry, I would not be able to write the book without seriously exploring his identity as a gay man and priest.   The first objection would not be a problem, I was told. Many authors wrote books about people they never knew. As for the second objection, they said that my identification with gay ministry was exactly the reason they wanted me to write the book. They intentionally wanted an author who would take Judge’s gay idenitity seriously.

So, in the next two years, I got to know Fr. Judge intimately.  I read newspaper accounts of his 25 years of parish ministry in New Jersey, a tenure which was so successful that newspapers were eager to profile him.  I interviewed people who knew him well:  firefighters, friars, A.A. members, colleagues in his pioneering HIV/AIDS ministry, members of New York’s Catholic LGBTQ+ community, and several close friends.  I watched news clips of his life produced after 9/11, and I read previously published biographical accounts of his life.  I watched a film doumentary of his life, The Saint of 9/11, which had many scenes of his active ministry in so many different fields.

I got to know a man whose varied and diverse ministries were all united by his Franciscan spirit of love for all creation, especially those who were the least in the world.  I became familiar with a man who was comfortable being seated next to the First Lady of the United States at a White House prayer breakfast, and just as comfortable talking in true friendship with the homeeless people he knew in Manhattan. He was a man who could preach in St. Patrick’s Cathedral at funeral Masses for fallen firefighters, and he could also proudly march in the gay-friendly St. Patrick’s Day for All Parade, started because LGBTQ+ people were excluded from marching in the Fifth Avenue event.

Though not blatantly public about his orientation during his lifetime, he also did not keep it a secret. Many of his friends knew of his identity.  One of them told me that when Judge would minister with gay men hospitalized with HIV/AIDS, he would often offer a joke, a glance, a smile, or a wink to let them know that he personally understood the stigma they faced because of his sexual identity.

Judge was not a writer, so he left very few texts of his thoughts.  However, a gay friend encouraged him to keep a journal about his sexual identity, which Judge did, though because of his busy life, it was not maintained for very long.  In the biography, I quoted from several important and profound passages from the sexuality journal which revealed how deeply he accepted his identity as a gift and blessing from God.

One line from the journal stood out most profoundly for me. In commenting about his sexuality, Judge wrote:

“I am alive as I can be.”

A simple sentence, but one with profound lessons for people in the process of accepting their LGBTQ+ identity. “I am alive as I can be.” I consider that sentence to be the antidote to shame and the antidote to avoiding self-acceptance.  It reveals the fullness and completeness one experiences with coming to terms with the beautiful way God creates each individual.

I closed the section in the book on Fr. Judge’s sexual identity with a paragraph that shows how his example of self-acceptance and welcome can help the rest of the church:

“The life of Fr. Mychal Judge, OFM, provides a roadmap of how, through patient listening, humble acceptance, courageous vulnerability, and welcoming any and all people, the church can take steps to improve its relationship with its LGBTQ people and all on the margins.”

Saint Mychal Judge, PRAY FOR US!

–Francis DeBernardo, New Ways Ministry, September 11, 2026

For further reading:

Washington Blade: Remembering the LGBTQ heroes of 9/11 terrorist attacks