Rising Up From the Ashes

Today’s reflection is by guest blogger Sandra Worsham, a retired English teacher, who had been dismissed from her parish’s music ministry because of her relationship with another woman. Her story is featured in Cornerstones: Sacred Stories of LGBTQ+ Employees in Catholic Institutions.

Today’s liturgical readings for Ash Wednesday are available here.

“Return to me with your whole heart.”  (Joel 2:12)

When I first became a Catholic convert, I wanted to be“as good as I could possibly be.” What I meant by that was that I didn’t want to have to feel guilty anymore. What I meant by that was, I was not going to be gay. 

Back then, the Catholic Church taught that being gay was an abomination. On my knees, both at home and in confession, I prayed that God would change me. Then, I set out to change myself: I would be good. I would be pure. I would wipe all gay thoughts out of my mind, and my soul would be white, white, white. I was the phoenix burning up and turning to ash. I did not trust God to love all of me.

It took me many years to realize that in this condition I was only half a person. I was unable to control my thoughts. I hid gay-themed books and music behind other books on my book shelf. I had a fear of dying and my mother finding something that would make her think I was gay. My life was as gray as the ashes I had buried myself in. My wings were clipped tight to my side, unable to move. My God had created me, but only the half of me that was not gay.

And then, my phoenix self could not stay buried any longer. I realized that I was hiding, not just from God and my mother, but from myself. 

“Rend your hearts, not your garments,” (Joel 2:13)

As I began to change, I began to feel like a new person when I went into the church and faced the tabernacle, but it was still my weaker, “other” self that approached the Eucharist. I was filled with fear, the ashes clinging to my clothes. In my mind I felt as if I was holding in my outstretched hands a tiny baby, the buried gay baby that was me, and I was holding it out to God saying, “Here, this is the other part. I am trusting you to take this baby and love it too.” But how could God love what I could not? What my mother could not? 

 And then the Amazing Grace flashed into my face with a bright light that felt like pure love, and I realized that God does love all of me. God made me, the strong parts, the weak parts, the fearful parts, the overscrupulous parts, the guilty parts. I realized that I do not have to hide anything from God. I do not have to try to change myself for God.

“Now is a very acceptable time.” (II Corinthians 6:2)

I guess you could say that I “came out to God.” And you know what? I felt so happy! I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I wanted to spread my phoenix wings and fly over our town and sing, “I’m gay. I’m alive. And God loves all of me!” And that makes ME able to love all of me! 

 Who knows why I couldn’t realize this sooner? I don’t know. I just know that there are times in our lives which are the RIGHT times. Have you ever had a book on your shelf that sat there for years, and you ignored it? Had no desire to pick it up? And then one day you are standing bleary-eyed in front of your bookshelf when that one book seems lit up in neon. You pick it up and begin to read, and you realize that NOW is the time for me to read this book! Everything in the book seems to speak to you right at that time, not before, not after. This happened to me with The Consolation of Life by the medieval scholar Boethius, a book that is so much like the book of Job in the Bible. “God gives. God takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

“If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.” (Psalm 95:8)

 As I spread my wings, I realized that feeling fear, guilt, and hate inside myself was not sent to me by God. God speaks only through love. God took that little hidden baby in me and cradled it and loved it and taught me to do the same. Now I am brave enough to say, “Here am I, Lord. I come to do your will.” 

 And I realize that God’s will for me is to speak out, to tell others that God loves all of us, especially the parts that we hide, that we find difficult to love. When I go to Mass, I don’t feel less than the other people around me. Or better than. I know that I am one of them, equally loved by God. When I go to receive the Eucharist, I feel us all in the swarm of souls going to receive the Heavenly Food, the gracious gift that is so freely given! 

One of my favorite hymns is “The Summons” by John Bell. It contains  a series of questions. The ones that speak most to me are:  “Will you risk the hostile stare, should your life attract or scare?” And, “Will you love the YOU you hide if I but call your name? Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?” And, finally, “Will you use the faith you’ve found, to reshape the world around?”

 This Ash Wednesday when I go to the altar, I want the ashes on my forehead to remind me of my mission. The ashes are my old fearful self that didn’t trust God or others to love the whole me. I will wear them on my forehead all day to remind me. Then, I will wash them off, stand tall, and start over for another Lent. God loves all of me. And because of that, I love all of me. I also love all of you.

 —Sandra Worsham, February 18, 2026

Your Lenten Journey Can Begin With LGBTQ+ Scripture Reflections–Including Your Own

Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, coming up this week.  During this season of preparation for Easter, many people often spend more time in prayer, meditation, and reflection.

New Ways Ministry’s website offers two resources to aid Catholic LGBTQ+ people and allies during this time of reflection, and we encourage Bondings 2.0’s readers to take a look at them for their individual prayer times or for parish faith sharing groups:

“Journeys: A Scripture Reflection Series for LGBTQ+ People and Allies”

“The Word Goes Out: LGBTQ+ Scripture Reflections for the Liturgical Year”

The segments for both of these resources are free and can be downloaded from the website.

To find out more about the Lenten installments of both resources, click here.