A Funeral That Failed to Name Love
Today’s post is from Bondings 2.0 contributor Elisa Belotti.
On August 1st, a joint Catholic funeral was held in Novara, Italy (near Milan), for Mario Paglino and Gianni Grossi, two well-known entrepreneurs, Barbie doll designers and collectors, partners for 25 years and civilly united from 2022. They died together in a car crash.
Mario Paglino and Gianni Grossi
Despite the public nature of their relationship and their deep connection to the local community, during the homily the priest, Don Renzo Cozzi, avoided referring to them as a couple. Instead, he consistently used the word “friends.”
“They were united by a deep friendship” he said. Not a word about their love relationship or their life together. Instead, the priest told the assembly to remember the fact that the two “were so fond of each other and they were very close friends”.
Hundreds of people attended the funeral, and some approached the priest at the end of the Mass to stress that calling Paglino and Grossi “friends” means erasing a lifelong love and partnership.
The next day the LGBTQ+ community and some people in the Catholic community started to raise their voices to express how wrong it was for the priest to give a false description of the couple’s relationship. Viewing queer couples as friends and not life partners is a form of disrespect. Many people see it as another example of how, even in moments of deep grief, the love and dignity of same-sex couples are still denied.
In an interview with the Italian newspaper La Stampa, Don Renzo Cozzi replied to the widespread criticism from the Italian Catholic LGBTQ+ community: “I didn’t want the funeral of these two men to turn into a gay celebration. The Church doesn’t allow it” he said. “The Church doesn’t recognize same-sex unions, so I looked for a different way to express it. If I’d talked about love, I’d have gone against ecclesiastical rules”.
He added: “As long as I wear the clothes of a priest, I can’t speak of that love. It’s up to the Holy See to change things, not me.”
Words matter. They shape relationships between one another and with God. Using incorrect words reflects a pastoral attitude that keeps excluding queer Catholics, undermining their love and experiences. Even at the threshold of death.
“Friends” is the word that queer couples have heard for centuries to describe a relationship that is considered not normal, prohibited, not worthy to be seen. When two LGBTQ+ lovers, partners, or spouses are called “friends,” it makes them less visible, less challenging, less outspoken. At the same time, this way of talking helps build a wall of silence and shame that makes a lot of people feel alone and helpless.
Paglino and Grossi’s funeral was not the first occasion where gay couples faced Catholic funeral obstacles in Italy. In 2018 Alex Ferrari and Luca Bortolaso died in a holiday cottage because of the carbon monoxide produced by the stove. Their friends and families had to struggle to get a joint Catholic funeral. In 2017 the body of Franco Perello, who was in a civil union with Gianni Reinetti (the first civilly united couple in Turin), had to wait for days to be buried in the Christian way.
Flavio Mazzolini, head of NovarArcobaleno, an LGBTQ+ association in Northern Italy, responded to the Paglino/Grossi funeral situation, by trying to work constructively with Catholic leaders. “We want to offset the systematic process where de facto couples are not recognized by the Catholic community by providing awareness-raising events to help facilitate social acceptance in religious and not just civil terms.” Beginning in September,Mazzolini’s association will host cultural events promoting dialogue with the Church and other Catholic groups.
When representatives of the Church depict a partnered relationship as mere friendship, a hierarchy of love is strengthened which claims only some forms of love are worthy to be recognized for what they are. These relationships that live by the dominant norms of a society receive great privilege. What about the others? Can the Church define what is real love and what is just a friendship? Can the Church tell some people that what they’re experiencing is not true, not holy enough, not deep enough, not strong enough to be called love?
—Elisa Belotti, August 8, 2025
Wow. Only people can say the truth for themselves. This couple is true, holy enough and deep enough, and strong enough to have a loving partnership. Nobody can deny that.
I wonder if Don Renzo Cozzi would accept these words of the late Cardinal Basil Hume, Archbishop of Westminster in 1997: “In whatever context it arises, and always respecting the appropriate manner of its expression, love between two persons, whether of the same sex or of a different sex, is to be treasured and respected. ‘Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus’, we read. [John, 11.5.] When two persons love they experience in a limited manner in this world what will be their unending delight when one with God in the next. To love another is in fact to reach out to God who shares his lovable-ness with the one we love. To be loved is to receive a sign, or a share, of God’s unconditional love.” It seems to me that he neither “respects nor treasures” this couple’s love.
Oh, how sad!–the refusal to use the word love for this couple. Oh how wonderful!–this essay. I am so glad that someone articulated this because it brings home the silent sexual abuse of making LGBTQ people and their relationships less. We need wide Church discussions about this. Did the undying love shown by LGBTQ partners during the AIDS crisis teach us nothing? God is love. Love is love. And LGBTQ people and their relationships are part of this great and wonderful mystery.
Words do matter! None more than those in the Catechism that refer to gay sex as “an act of grave depravity..,contrary to natural law,” and “intrinsically disordered.” Gayness is “for most of them a trial.” They are “called to chastity.” Even the most well-intentioned priest, facing a request for gay marriage or funeral, would have to pause. Until that language is expunged from the Catechism and from Catholic doctrine, I don’t think any significant change is likely or even possible.
I suspect that when St. John Henry Cardinal Newman is named a Doctor of the Church, he will be said to be buried next to his “very good friend” Ambrose St. John. I hope those of us in this community can instead use this moment to celebrate an LGBTQIA+ figure in our Church.