Choosing Relationship Over Position: Then and Now

Today’s reflection is by Terry Gonda (she/her), a lifelong Catholic and spiritual director. She and her wife, Kirsti Reeve, are music ministers at their Jesuit parish in Detroit. She previously served for 36 years as music director at a campus ministry parish before being fired by the Archdiocese for legally marrying Kirsti. Rooted in Ignatian spirituality and the wisdom of the mystics, she now co-leads a lay Catholic community—formed from the remnants of her former parish—grounded in synodality, radical welcome, and spiritual accompaniment. Her story is featured in Cornerstones: Sacred Stories of LGBTQ+ Employees in Catholic Institutions.

Today’s liturgical readings for the Sixth Sunday of Easter are available here.

I was seven when I blurted from the back seat after Mass, “I’m going to be a priest.”

My grandmother snapped back sharply: “No, you’re not. Girls can’t be priests.”

It stung—hard. Shame flushed my face and flooded my eyes. My innocent heart had offered itself fully and was handed rules I couldn’t understand. From my loving grandmother, who meant no harm but passed on what she had been taught.

This memory isn’t about advocating for women’s ordination. It marks my first encounter with the tension between holy longing and rigid tradition. It became my lifelong invitation into the messy middle—between inner promptings and outer expectations.

When I finally and reluctantly embraced this invitation to live inside opposing forces, clinging to grace instead of fear, something transformative happened—not immediately, but gradually.

Today’s liturgical readings offer solace and reinforcement. They reflect on how to handle intense disagreement between people wanting to be disciples of integrity in community. The texts teach that wisdom comes from inhabiting, not resolving, the tension. From this stance, the Holy Spirit guides us to reframe our stories towards mercy and mutual benefit, empowering us to live and love as Christ. We “just” need to trust that grace meets us in the struggle from which we would rather run.

Council of Jerusalem

In today’s first reading, we see the early church practicing this wisdom at the Council of Jerusalem. Should Gentiles follow Jewish law and markers of identity, such as kosher regulations, circumcision, and purity rituals? Some members clung to rigid tradition. Yet the apostles used synodality (accompanying one another with the Holy Spirit) and eventually chose discernment over doctrine alone, stating: “It is the decision of the Holy Spirit and of us not to place on you any burden beyond these necessities.”

I think we often underestimate how significant this shift was. Only through the Holy Spirit could they see that these ancient laws that had formed their Jewish identity were a burden to others. This paradigm shift was remarkable. Prioritizing relationships over rituals, they kept a few necessities—abstaining from idol-sacrificed meat and unlawful marriages—to support relationships between Jewish and Gentile believers.

Yet discernment didn’t end there. St. Paul evolved further (1 Corinthians 8), seeing some “necessities,” like avoiding idol-sacrificed meat, as irrelevant ), but also counseling to take a relationship-based approach: don’t eat it in front of people who believe it is a sin 

Our current moment in the church echoes this ancient tension. One group demands strict adherence, interpreting their prioritized laws as God’s will. Others demand immediate paradigm and theological shifts, equally as rigid. Both risk choosing position over relationship. 

Yet, the Spirit whispers still: Stay. Listen. Wait for Grace. Connect.

As a Catholic lesbian, I recognize these positions are not entirely equivalent. It is significantly more difficult for those who have been hurt or rejected to become bridge builders—especially toward those they may perceive as a threat to their well-being. Each situation carries its own nuance and calls for the thoughtful discernment demonstrated by the Apostles. 

Our second reading, from Revelation, shows us where the Spirit’s approach will take us. We see a picture of a city with twelve gates open in every direction—no walls, no temple—entirely filled with God’s Presence. How do we journey to there from here?

Jesus says clearly: “Whoever loves me… we will come to them and make our dwelling with them.” Not just the perfect or doctrinally pure—simply those who love. They will become Christ-bearers. That’s our map.

Which is why I am excited about the election of Pope Leo XIV who has embodied justice, humility, and bridge-building, echoing Jesus’ words. His election signals a Church choosing communion over control and courageous listening over quick certainty. In his first meeting with the Cardinals the new pope made it clear the church will continue along the path of Vatican II and what Pope Francis had started: peace, unity, synodality, and serving the marginalized.

Moving forward, discipline will be crucial in addressing the significant polarizing tensions we face. It’s easy to focus on the many things that trigger us. We all would do well to stay narrowly focused on Jesus’ gospel essentials to build momentum. And in doing so, trust that our needs will be met in the process: feeding the hungry, welcoming the stranger, lifting up the poor, breaking barriers, building bridges, and forgiving and loving without condition. Are not LGBTQ+ persons included here? This isn’t ideology; it’s following Jesus.

“Belonging Beloved” by Jamal Adams

To achieve the beloved community—where every person experiences dignity, safety, and belonging—requires mutual accompaniment. And that requires sacrifice. It means learning to be comfortable with discomfort, but always within the boundaries of grace. I remind myself to give what I seek: dignity, respect, and compassion. To love God with all I am, and to love my neighbor—even my “enemy”—as myself. Never excusing injustice, but by choosing to see with love first.

The invitation is clear: Stay. Pause. Be open to the Holy Spirit. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable Holy Dance of Discord. Resist mockery or fear. Radically listen with curiosity, humility, and hope. Strive for mutuality. Something sacred seeks birth here.

The Council of Jerusalem lived into this truth. Pope Leo XIV is reminding us of it today. The Gospel always guided us this way.

Let’s choose to stay, wait in the mess, and trust that grace meets us in the messiness, guiding our choices. Because grace isn’t just received, it’s carried forward. As with the first disciples, grace can be who we become.

Gratefully, I can now say that my seven-year-old self is rejoicing. Though I initially resisted the discomfort of dancing in the tension, I now passionately proclaim the communal version of the process: synodality. The Church’s Spirt-led collaborative discernment is the foundation of my lived baptismal call to priesthood. And true to form, even though I am wildly imperfect at practicing it, the Holy Spirit has allowed it to bear abundant fruit.

That priesthood of mine has unfolded in beautiful and unexpected ways. Most recently, through pastoring the remnants of my former church community which crumbled in part after my firing as a music director (for “unlawful marriage” to another woman). Together we’ve formed an intentional community centered on planting and nurturing the seeds of synodality. Meanwhile my wife and I are joyfully part of the music team at our Jesuit parish.

And I’m certain my grandmother is smiling, whispering gently, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

—Terry Gonda, May 25, 2025

For more stories, positive and negative, about LGBTQ+ people working in Catholic spaces, check out New Ways Ministry’s latest publication, Cornerstones: Sacred Stories of LGBTQ+ Employees in Catholic Institutions. The book is an anthology of 12 stories of faith, sacrifice, joy, and pain by LGBTQ+ people who have been employed by Catholic parishes and schools. For more information, click here.