How Spiritual Direction Can Help LGBTQ+ People Flourish

Desiré Findlay

Today’s post is from Desiré Findlay, a certified spiritual director living in the Chicago area.

I have shopped around for spiritual directors and for therapists. I don’t settle when it comes to my mental health, so when it comes to my spiritual health, I don’t settle in that area either. I shop around until I find the right person; and when I do, I will pay whatever I need to pay because I’m worth it–and so are they.

You’re worth it, too. If you belong to the LGBTQIA+ community and you feel like your spiritual director doesn’t connect with you or doesn’t understand you, why stay? There are already too many spaces where you have to explain yourself, protect yourself, or even keep yourself hidden. Spiritual direction should not be another one of those spaces.

I once had a spiritual director tell me I was running away from something when I decided not to see her anymore. Her style of direction wasn’t working for me. Spiritual direction always entails some sort of discernment. In my sessions with her I paid attention to my body, my mood, and how I was feeling. I asked myself, “Do I feel this way because I am being challenged to grow? Have I seen spiritual growth in myself? Where is the resistance coming from?” After both voicing my needs to my director and then answering these questions for myself, I determined that this was simply a bad match.

I was in a certification program to become a spiritual director at the time, so I spoke with my program supervisor about the situation. She affirmed me in the choices I made, and also told me that no spiritual director should ever discourage their directee from ending the relationship.

Have you ever found yourself dragging your feet to log in or head out for a spiritual direction session? Did you ever forget you had a session, show up late regularly, or even lose energy during a session? I think these are important patterns to pay attention to, especially for members of marginalized communities who seek wellness services.

If you identify as LGBTQIA+, here are some specific things you can consider when looking for a spiritual director:

• Do the topics they speak about publicly or post on their socials make you feel uncomfortable?
• How do they respond or react when you talk about issues surrounding sexuality or gender identity?
• Would you prefer that your director is familiar with LGBTQIA+ terminology, or are you okay with explaining some of the vocabulary to them?

Not all of these might be an issue for you. Maybe you find it helpful to meet with someone who has differing views and opinions from your own. Maybe you enjoy educating others on LGBTQIA+ terms and topics. Again, it’s up to you to decide what you are comfortable with.

As a spiritual director, my goal is to create a welcoming environment for whoever enters a session with me. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out long-term, it is always my responsibility to provide a safe and sacred space. I do that in a number of ways:

• I make no assumptions regarding an individual’s beliefs, identity, or religious and spiritual practices
• I make it clear on my website that people from all walks of life are welcome to seek spiritual direction with me (and spiritual direction in general)
• I don’t talk about my own personal life in a session unless my directee finds it helpful for their own journey and discernment

Even though I have these practices in place, I will still not be a great match for everyone who comes to me.

You may or may not be able to find a spiritual director who’s part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I’ve had therapists and directors who belong to communities I’m a part of, and others who don’t. Sometimes they’re great allies or community members, and sometimes they’re not. Either way, you get to determine the companions you want journeying with you.

Your mental health matters and so does your spiritual health. You deserve someone who will welcome you, challenge you, and be there for you in a way that uplifts your soul. Do you want to feel energized leaving a spiritual direction session? Do you want to feel seen and heard? Then don’t settle.

—Desiré Findlay, January 2, 2025