Next Year, Hold the Flowers
Sarah Gregory
Our Mother’s Day reflection is offered by Sarah Gregory, the newest Bondings 2.0 regular contributor.
Today the Catholic Church celebrates the Ascension of the Lord. The readings from the lectionary will remind us all of our shared commission: “Go into the whole world and proclaim the gospel to every creature.” (Mark 16:15) St. Paul’s letter to the Ephesians reminds us of how we’re to live out that job description, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace; one body and one Spirit, as you were also called to the one hope of your call[.]” (Ephesians 4:2-4).”
Today is also Mother’s Day in the U.S., so in many parishes we’ll take part in another common ritual: the bestowing of the flowers upon the mothers who are present. Truth? I’ve always felt really awkward during that brief recognition of a secular holiday during our religious observance. When my son was little, he’d often poke me on the arm to remind me to stand or head forward when all mothers were called to be recognized. Never wanting to deny the gift that he truly is in my life, I’d reluctantly head up and receive the offered flower. Sometimes the call would recognize mothers, godmothers, and others involved in the work of mothering the next generation, and a few more women would rise and receive a flower as well. The congregation applauded, we’d sit down with our flowers in hand, and the ritual would conclude for another year.
I always wondered, though, about the women who didn’t rise. Is the woman who delivers Eucharist to the hospital each Monday childless by choice? Our church lacks any theology of singleness other than being a consecrated virgin, a member of religious life, or a widow. The couple sitting in the middle of the sanctuary, he holding her hand as she looks down into her lap – have they been unsuccessfully trying to conceive? Have they lost a pregnancy? What of the woman who became pregnant and carried the pregnancy to term, but sent her baby into the world through adoption many years earlier? If she rises and receives a flower today, will she confuse or scandalize the community? The woman who lost her son to a drug overdose has enough trauma on the day already. Is she to stand as well? And what of the two women who arrive together, the single mom of a child accompanied by her friend – who may also be her wife, and also the child’s mother. If they both stand, will they be asked to not return the following week?
For all of the people who look forward to the annual flower ritual there are others who will intentionally take the day off and skip Mass to avoid those three minutes. I’m with them.
My own mother, whose memory is a blessing now ten years after her death, always told me that I think too much. She was probably right. (She usually was.) What I think about a lot these days, though, is Pope Francis’ call for the Church to be a field hospital for the wounded, and how each of us as part of the Body of Christ has a role to play in healing ourselves and mothering one another as we answer the call we received in today’s readings.
Field hospitals aren’t built according to any standard plans but are shaped by the battlefields where the wounded are found. Very few of them bestow flowers on those in their care. This Mother’s Day, I’m reminded of one of those field hospitals I encountered when I so needed that healing myself. It happened in a most unlikely place – the Catholic school my son attended as a young child, and especially its parish.
Being a queer mom at a Catholic school comes with many levels of complexity. While I’ve been out since approximately forever, I never could remember who knew what about our kid. His (gay) dad, sometimes accompanied by his partner, came to various school events. Most parents and all the teachers knew about our family, and they were pretty uniformly accepting. We weren’t the only nontraditional family at the school, not even the only LGBT one, and as the school had operated quasi-independently of the parish for a number of years, many children in attendance weren’t part of the parish community, and their families didn’t face the scrutiny of the masses at Mass.
Mass at the parish would be another issue entirely, or so I thought. For several weeks. We (OK, I) tested the waters with the 8am Saturday daily mass: short, sweet, and with a small congregation. A dad with three young ones was always there. I knew them, as well as the kids’ mom, who enjoyed a weekly Saturday morning of peace courtesy of the kids’ wonderful dad. I glanced anxiously in his direction for backup one morning when an older woman made a beeline for me after the liturgy one morning, a look of intense focus on her face. She came within a foot of me, looked directly in my eyes, and said “I’ve heard about you. I just want you to know that if Father or any of them” – she waved her hand in the direction of the other daily Mass goers, – “if even ONE of them says anything, you let me know. They’re all very conservative, even Father. But you belong here!”
You belong here.
I smiled at her and fought back tears. I had an ally. This doctor in the field hospital had my back.
A couple of Saturdays later, the stakes climbed. This time, it was an older gentleman, long retired. He was a graduate of the elementary school decades earlier and a pillar of the parish. I’d suspected that he was one of the parishioners with the “priests come, priests go, but I really run the place” perspectives about parish life. He walked over slowly but directly, a serious expression on his face. He told me that he’d watched me since my arrival with my son, and had heard about our family as well. He delivered a quiet warning: “You know that many people here are very conservative, and don’t approve of single parents, or of a lot of the other changes in the world today. You’ll encounter them, I’m sure. Don’t let them drive you away. Come to me if anything happens. I’ll see you next Saturday.”
“Come to me.” The words of a field nurse, spoken to one who needed to know that care would never be denied there.
Over the five years that we spent at that school and parish, many people went out of their way to assure us that despite what the broader Church might think, we would always be welcome there. If any of the conservative parishioners about whom I was warned had a problem with us, I never met a one. Our son played soccer, but if he wanted to join the Boy Scouts, the troop would be happy to have him. I didn’t have plans on a Tuesday night? Might I want to come and talk with the School Advisory Board about a strategic plan? This was a field hospital that not only healed my wounds, but helped prepare me to take up a position on the triage team as well. They reached out to me to assure me of my safety and welcome. What could I do to do the same for others who approached the door?
It’s a question we need to always ask ourselves and our communities. What do we all need to do in order to ensure that our customs and habits, well-meaning as they may be, aren’t inadvertently driving the wounded away from the care that they need? The secular world does Mothers’ Day so thoroughly already, as evidenced by the ads for brunch specials, daily email reminders from florists to order flowers to send to Mom, and chocolate displays in the stores. They’ve got it covered, and we can safely leave it in their hands. If I’m not recognized at Mass each year for being a mom, I’m quite OK with that. Indeed, if giving up flowers is too much to ask, let’s offer a flower to everyone who has ever known a mother or been mothered – that’d be a great start. All are welcome at our field hospital, and honored on that day, and every day.
My son is now an adult and away at college. If I said we were skipping Mass on Mother’s Day and explained why – that I’m just not comfortable with that ritual observance of something that’s so emotionally-fraught – he’d get it. He probably thinks too much, too – like mother, like son or something.
This year I have an excuse for skipping the ritual. While flowers are handed out in parishes across the country, I’ll be doing the work of being Mom – helping clean out a dorm room, pack up a car, and drive it back home. No fancy brunch, no flowers or chocolate, not even applause at Mass. Just being a mom with the kid, on our way home. I’ll keep the others who’ll be missing Mass intentionally in mind, and will take my shift at the field hospital on the road. I’ve read the commission for the week. We’ve got people to heal.
—Sarah Gregory, New Ways Ministry, May 13, 2018
Hi Sarah, Thank you for your post, it was very touching and it made me remember my own experience with Mother’s Day. As a gay man in a committed relationship (there was no same sex marriage at the time) and raising my now husband’s biological daughter, I was known as the “Furry Mom”; both by my dear Mark and by our daughter, Joy. I recall the many episodes over the years of having this extra identity – from receiving gifts from my two precious loves on Mom’s Day too having to request permission to come as the second Dad to Joy’s first Father/Daughter Dinner Dance at Hamlin School in San Francisco. (We finally received it and then I couldn’t attend because of illness – I’m sure some heads and fingers were wagging their disgust at me at the time!) Nevertheless, we managed as a family to get through every incident – including the fact that I was always the only male on field trips in those days! While I’m not familiar with the Catholic ritual of handing out flowers to mom at Mass, I certainly know of the ‘Mom Homily’ and the many special prayers offered at mass on that day each year. I always felt a bit left out, as Father’s Day was Mark’s holiday, really. I guess it stung a little, being neither fish nor fowl. So I very much like your suggestion that on Mother’s Day we celebrate and honor all those people who nurture and love little ones as they grow: Mom’s, Aunts, Grandmothers, Nieces, surrogates, and the like, even a few guys; because you never know for sure who the real Mom might be. I think Mom is not just about biology, Mom is the one who nurtures that child when he/she needs it most of all.
Thank you, Sarah for sharing this moving piece that has me, a heterosexual mother of four, weeping this Mother’s Day morning….tears of gratitude that you were offered some support from this church which sometimes makes me feel so discouraged. It is people like you and those who went out of their way to welcome you that keep some of us in the church, despite all the obvious shortcomings.
What a writer! Than you for such a rich reflection!
I’m a 72 year old gay catholic. I have a friend who when she was a teenager gave up her daughter for adoption. I’ve always wondered how she feels about Mother’s Day. You have given me lots to think about. Thankyou
Wow! What a great post. I am too young to be a mother, but always feel a little ping of sadness during mass on this day because of I know I will never be a mother and do not want to be a mother. Does that make me any less Catholic? The Church has a blessing for fathers on father’s day, a blessing for mothers on mother’s day, grand parents on grand parent’s day, but no blessing for single or childless people. I can’t help but think, does that make me less? This year, I went to a mass for people with special needs (that I help with and attend on a regular basis) and was wondering how the priest would handle the blessing. We have so many older women at the mass who wanted children, but did not because of their disability. The priest who does this mass is amazing and I was sure he had thought about how he could do the blessing without making the very special people at this mass not feel bad. When it came time for the blessing, instead of having just mothers stand, he had everyone who had ever been loved by a mother stand (or sit up straight for out friends in wheel chairs). If someone did not stand, he went over and invited them to stand because Mother Mary loved them. The joy in the room was palpable. Everyone deserved and received a blessing on mother’s day because God, and Mary our common mother, loves everyone equally, regardless of ability, gender, orientation, race, religion, family status, SES, and everything else that divides us. This is the way every mass should be done, with love and respect for EVERYONE. This is the first mass at which I have felt truly welcome. Why can’t all masses be this inclusive?
I don’t take time enough to read many of these New Ways posts, but I am so glad I read this one! As a priest who has often presided at the Mother’s Day ritual you describe, I have been vaguely — but only vaguely — aware of some of the wounds you also describe so eloquently. You have helped me here both to rejoice at the healing care you received and to begin to think differently about how better to celebrate the fruitful and nurturing love of God, embodied in motherhood “traditional” and otherwise, but also in so very many other ways of living, loving, and healing. Thank you … thank you!
Good luck to you and your son as you continue to wend your way through the maze of life. I do believe that many are beginning to educate themselves on LGBTQ issues. They are meeting and befriending these wonderful people in the pews whose history they may not have known previously but now realize that it’s not “us against them” – it’s just “us.” Your openness is a teaching moment every single day. May the “Son shine” continuously on both of you. Sincerely,
I’m so glad you were treated as you were, and you have summarized my general thoughts about these things as well. A simple, “Happy Mother’s Day to ALL mothers” from the pulpit before or after the homily is all that is needed. Leave it up to the actual mothers to claim the title and/or the day. There’s far too much lauding of these things in the abstract based on theology that determined “motherhood” to be the woman’s primary role in life. In fact, the people who drummed up this notion don’t actually know much about motherhood as it is experienced by real women. I like your point about scrutinizing folks at church. It’s the opposite of the field hospital and the example of Jesus Christ.
Thank you Sarah for sharing this beautiful story. So glad you have been welcomed. You have opened my eyes to the question that with God ALL WOMEN/MOTHERS should be included . I’ve never been on the outside looking in and will pay attention from now on.
Beautiful Mother’s Day essay! I especially love the field hospital references and affirmation the author received from a few parishioners. Indeed, ALL ARE WELCOME HERE! Iif that message has been rejected, distorted or lost, it needs to be revived by those who are open and aware and see themselves as part of the triage team that our contemporary Church desperately needs!